Hannah's Back!

            Hannah flew back last week, and it’s been wonderful to have someone else in the apartment. It has been too quiet here, all alone after all that time with two roommates. Plus, it makes ordering everything I want for take-out easier, since there’s someone to share it with. And I’m not the only one who missed Hannah. Hayden, her now official-boyfriend, has been over so often he should be sharing the rent. It’s adorable.

            So, since Hannah’s back, you can gather that Lucy is doing really well for the situation she’s in. The doctors all note how wonderfully she’s been moving along in her recovery. She’s out of the ICU and has been moved to the neurosurgical ward to focus on regaining her mobility and speech. Hannah told me she was getting discouraged and staying stuck in the hospital wasn’t helping, but Ben’s taken it upon himself to find her music to encourage her to keep going, and it’s helped her stay motivated, even. 

            Lucy’s expected to be able to come back home in the beginning of February. They’re looking into finding a nurse to live with her and a local rehabilitation program for her to attend. But the hospital isn’t suiting her very well, and so living in a rehabilitation center probably wouldn’t be so great for her, either. She feels very restricted where she is, unable to go anywhere and being on a strict diet. Hannah and I have been talking with her parents about whether we should put Lucy at our apartment or their house. We worry that having her live with her parents might be just barely better than a center, because she’ll see it as a loss of her independence and falling into a child-like state. But our apartment isn’t incredibly big, and having a nurse live with us might make the place too cramped.             

            We still have some time to figure this out. We all want what’s best for Lucy and to help her get as healthy as possible again, but also for her to have as positive an experience with it as she can.

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Facebook Friends

Is it just me, or does technology make things so much more complicated with relationships? Like, there are certain things you’re not sure is okay with the relationship you have with someone, and there’s so much more access to you with people you’d prefer to keep at a distance. Sometimes I wish all we had were letters again, and rules about who could and couldn’t write to each other. Though I suppose that’s too restricting.

            Anyway, this is coming up because on Monday night I went through my daily scroll through Facebook, and saw that Fred sent me a friend request. I had to get up and make some coffee and do some dishes before responding. The whole time I just had to wonder what he meant by it. He practically ignores me the past three months, only acknowledging me when he has to, and now, when he’s in love with Lucy, has decided to friend me. I’d thought I knew him well, but something must have changed with him, because I didn’t know why he did this. 

            I was also stressing out because I didn’t know if I even wanted to accept his request. Yes, I’ve accepted how things have worked out, I’m ready to start seriously dating again, but that doesn’t mean I want his face popping up in my feed even more. Not when I’m still fighting to make the changes I need so I don’t fall back into who I was. 

            But my niceness won out in the end. I friended him, but then I also blocked him so I won’t see his posts. At least the people over at Facebook realized that their social network can cause extreme discomfort and gave us tools to get around it.

            Before I blocked him, I did see something in his feed. It was a picture with him, Harvey, and Ben up in Aspen. I didn’t know before, but apparently he’s been up there for a few days now, visiting Lucy and probably declaring his undying love for her and his commitment to stay by her side until she’s well again. It’s really great that Fred fell in love with Lucy, actually. Because he’s a very loyal person and she needs support right now, with all of the recovery and therapy she’s going through. He won’t leave her because of this. And I’m sure she’ll want to get better so she can be with him.

            With these sort of things in perspective, I’ve been thinking a bit more about why he might have decided to friend me. And I think it’s because of his love for Lucy and misunderstanding me. After all, I broke things off with him, and other than that one slip-up when I was playing the piano, haven’t given any indication that I had feelings for him still. He thinks I’m not affected by him anymore, and with a relationship with Lucy just around the corner, he wants to be on good terms with everyone important in her life, including me. That’s why he did it. I’m fairly sure that’s why. It’s really the only good reason I could come up with.

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Lost

            I have new clothes and motivation, but I still feel a little stuck. With both Hannah and Lucy gone, I’d go to work and then don’t do much. I love Ruth and I’m glad she’s back, but she’s not exactly my age. And Marie’s been weird. Whenever I’ve come over she said to go away because she’s nesting and I’ll get in the way of what she’s doing. Only, from what I’ve seen into their apartment, it’s not exactly clean, or even that currently-messy-but-in-the-process-of-cleaning. 

            And I’m not okay with staying in by myself anymore, at least not as much as I used to. I like company, I’ve loved having Hannah and Lucy as roommates, and I want to continue to have a social life. Of course, when Lucy recovers enough to move back in, she and Fred will be…yeah. I’m over it, I’m moving on, but that will still be awkward for me. So I want to make new friends. Get out there and such.

            So far, though, I don’t have a whole lot to report. I’ve tried thinking of ways to meet new people, but nothing seems to really work. I’m clearly out of the club scene. There’s no one at work I would be interested in befriending. Finding friends through mutual friends would be hard because that means being around the same people again. On Friday, I did go to a local music store that has bands and artists come play their music, but that didn’t work out. People came in groups, and I felt too intimidated to approach anyone when they were already so cozy with their own friends. It was a lot like high school again, only this time I could leave early.

            You know, starting this out, I felt so resolved. I got rid of the clothes I didn’t like and bought ones that I did, and I’ve come to terms that Lucy and Fred will be together. I thought my life would somehow manage to work itself out just with my changed thoughts, but it’s been harder this week. The initial rush of my “new year, new me” has gone away.

            It would be so, so easy to slip again. Go back to my chick flicks every Saturday night, limiting myself to the rare first date, and never truly letting myself live.

            I’ve been really struggling with that, having no idea where to turn to get myself out of this. Saturday night I thought, maybe, I had to do something more. I have this box of stuff from when I was with Fred. Pictures, a stuffed dolphin, random notes he left me, one of his old shirts, CDs, movie ticket stubs. I gathered it up and I walked down to the dumpster, ready to throw it away. But as I stood there, I couldn’t do it. Because with Fred, I was happy. Even though there has been so much hurt following it up, that dolphin and the notes and music and ticket stubs made me happy. And the problem wasn’t in that box. It was in me. I made the physical changes I needed to make, and now I had to confront the harder part. The mental and emotional one. And to do that, I can’t just throw things away. I need to gain things to fill up the holes.

            I’m just lost as to how to do that.

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Shopping with the godmother

            Ruth has come back from staying with her daughter, which has been really nice. Since Hannah and Lucy are still in Aspen, the only company I’ve had the past week was Marie, so I’m really happy to have my godmother back. 

            I told her all about my new goals for the year, and she was very happy for me. Though she started saying some rude things about Fred, that he’d wasted enough of my youth and other things like that, but I stopped her there. I told her that I’d chosen to remain in love with him all those years, and none of that was his fault. We fell in love and he had every intention of making our relationship into a marriage, and so his love was never something he intended to hurt me with. I let myself become how I am now, but I’ve changed these past few weeks. And I’m ready to move past him.

            Other than that, we haven’t had a tense word between us. We went shopping together this past weekend, which might sound like a big deal, but it actually is. Other than some work suits and the bridesmaid dress for Marie’s wedding, I haven’t really bought any new clothes since college. The year after my mom’s death I didn’t care at all about my appearance because there didn’t seem a point to buy new clothes. And then after things with Fred and I ended, I never bothered to look pretty. I think that subconsciously, I was trying to keep people away from me. I didn’t want to get hurt again. I didn’t want to fall in love with anyone else. And for the past few years, I just haven’t felt like my life was meant to have any beauty in it. Also, I was disgusted by how often Eliza and my father would spend so much money on their clothes, wear it once, and then never wear it again. Their obsession with their looks was always over-the-top and ridiculous.  

            So yes, sometimes shopping and fashion still feel shallow to me. But at the same time, I think it’s been good. I started this transformation by opening my closet and putting anything that didn’t make me feel great in a donation box. When I was done, I had a pair of jeans, four blouses, three skirts, and one work suit. I know, it’s pathetic that almost everything I’ve been wearing for years I haven’t even really liked. 

            It took quite a bit of money to build up my wardrobe again, but I think the investment will be worth it. I don’t really care for trends—things like maxi skirts that will be out of fashion in a year—but found a lot of classic pieces that will be in fashion over the next decade. This way I avoid the trap of becoming like some of my family, but still like how I’m dressed.  

I’m just hoping that this updated wardrobe will help me express my new self better. That I’m not a tired old maid any more, but a…well, I’m not quite sure of what I’ll become. But I’m looking forward to meeting her.

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Making Changes

            First, for those who don’t keep up with me on tumblr, I wanted to let you all know that Lucy is out of her coma and doing well. She’s past the worst and should make a nearly full recovery. It’ll take time, and she’s not going back to school in the foreseeable future, but she’ll live. Right now she’s very disoriented and confused, which Charlie has been telling me is still in the early parts of recovering from a brain injury. I haven’t seen her yet, since she’s still in Colorado until they think she’s more stable to move. 

As for me, well, the past two weeks have been a good opportunity to take some time for me. For a day or so, I did mope a little bit. But I never blamed Lucy for winning over Fred, or Fred for falling for Lucy. Despite the torture of it, in a way, I’m glad I saw it happen. I don’t question Fred’s feelings for her, and wonder. He loves her and has moved on. I’ve been coming to terms with it, though I’m still not really ready to have him around. He did stop by after Christmas, when Lucy was still in her coma, volunteering to watch Little Charlie while I had to work, but I kept it as brief as I could. A quick hello and good-bye in the morning and evening. I think he just wanted a distraction from worrying about Lucy, as he doesn’t have a lot to do since selling his business. Marie and Charlie came back about a week ago, after Lucy woke up from her coma. This took away the distraction Fred had for two days, but then again, his need for distraction was probably reduced as well. I haven’t seen him since that Friday after Christmas. Apparently he’d left to go spend New Year’s with his brother, and I don’t think he’s come back.

When Marie got back, she told me that Ben had been listening to the music I’d recommended to him and he’d asked for my number to talk to me about it. I’d been getting some texts from him, although I haven’t really had substantial communication with him. I’m not really disappointed, I wasn’t really interested in Ben, but like the stranger at the bar, his attentions weren’t unwelcome. It was nice, again, to have the potential of…something.

With all of this, I realized I was done with living like I have. Small and shrunken and closed off. I’m done with it. I look back on the post I made a few weeks back about doubting I’d find love again, and I’m ashamed of it now. Ever since I was young I wanted to fall in love and get married. Of course I’m not going to marry the first man who pays me any attention, but why can’t I try for love? If Fred can move on, why can’t I?

That’s what I want to do in 2014. Move on and be happy. It’s been so long since I’ve really been happy, so this year, I’m going for it.

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