A familiar stranger

Well, I’m here with my dad and Eliza, and the secretary my dad brought up. Oh, you don’t remember the secretary they brought up with them? Well, that’s okay, even I’d forgotten about her.

It’s been a little crazy these past few days with unpacking and getting settled in a new routine and a new location for work. But it’s so wonderful at the same time. I honestly can’t believe that I lived here for three years, I remember so little of it. During my free time, I’ve been exploring the city, and feel as if I’m seeing it all for the first time. I think that’s because this is the first time I’ve been in the city while I’ve actually been alive. You know, metaphorically speaking.

            My second night here, I got a very nice surprise. Do you remember that man at the bar in Aspen who sent me a drink, the one Marie swore was the son of my dad’s late business associate? Well…it was him. I mean, Marie was right. He’s both the man at the bar and the late business associate’s son.

            No one had told me anyone was coming for dinner, but then there he was in our foyer with a bottle of wine. Dad introduced us (I’ll just call this guy Will) and he smiled one of the biggest, brightest smiles anyone had ever given me.

            “I never thought I’d see you again, but I’m so glad I was wrong,” he’d told me. Eliza, surprised and slightly frustrated, asked how we knew each other. Will confessed to trying to buy me a drink in Aspen, but that things went badly for him when his buddy got into a drunken fight with someone else, and since he left the next morning, he never had a chance to find me.

            That evening was wonderful. Will is incredibly charming, and not too shabby to look at either (okay, he’s really great to look at). Though, I had to wonder if I wanted to find my new social circle with people in my dad and sister’s circle. But he’s so much more down to earth than they are. Less obsessed with looks, not as full of himself, and he’s really interesting. He plays guitar and tennis and loves impressionist art. We had a lot to talk about. It was nice and surprising that I could find someone to be friends with so soon. We even played a game of tennis on Saturday.

            Eliza seems less than thrilled with how well Will and I get along, to say the least. He’s come to dinner three times since I’ve gotten here, and every time she interrupts our conversation and to put herself in the middle. She tries to demand Will’s attention, and while he doesn’t ignore her, it’s fairly clear that his attention is mostly on me.

            I’m really trying not to get caught up in this. There’s a whole period of Will’s history that I don’t know, between leaving his father’s business and why he divorced his first wife and why he’s suddenly making amends with my family. I don’t want to jump too soon after getting over Fred. Or, so soon in my process of getting over Fred. Let’s be honest, I’m not done with those feelings yet. I thought I’d have more time to get the feel for who I am and figure myself out before anyone even started to pay attention to me. I don’t want to go for Will just because he’s a handsome man who seems interested. But I don’t want to miss a great opportunity, either.

            Well, all in good time, I suppose.

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Farewell Party

For the past week Hannah’s been pretty set on throwing me a farewell party. I really didn’t want that, though, since it isn’t like I have any close friends who would actually come. But on Friday, Hannah said she had the evening set and we would be going out one last time before I have to leave. But rather than just going along with it like I did last fall, I did put my foot down on one thing: no clubbing or bars. Hannah just smiled and said she didn’t even have that in mind.

            Other than “no clubbing” I didn’t know what the evening would consist of, and so Hannah helped me in what to wear. I have to say, getting into one of my dresses for the first time made me excited about the night, more than I had been leading up to it. Hayden came by our apartment first, which made complete sense, since Hannah was in charge of the whole night. I thought maybe Charlie and Marie would join us, but the only other person who came was Fred.

            Again, it makes sense why Hannah would invite him along. She and Lucy have been good friends with him, and we all went to Aspen with him. Besides, she doesn’t know about Fred and I, so I can’t blame her. Still, I wasn’t exactly happy about Fred coming along. Our party was so small I couldn’t avoid him. With Hannah and Hayden as our only company, it also felt a little double date-ish, even though it clearly wasn’t one.

            First we went to a restaurant. We got a booth, and of course I ended up next to Fred, since Hannah and Hayden wanted to sit by each other. It was actually okay, for the most part. I tried to keep my conversation with Fred short and have all four of us talking together. But then when we were almost done eating, Hayden saw an old high school friend in the restaurant, so he and Hannah went over to talk to him.

             Soon after, I excused myself to the bathroom then, to avoid being alone with Fred, but even despite freshening up my make-up and washing my hands twice, Hayden and Hannah were still talking to this old friend. I really had no choice but to sit down again. After one silent pause, Fred spoke up and asked me why I’d decided to move up north.

            I could have told him then. I could have admitted I wasn’t over him and being anywhere near him or others close to him was keeping me back, and I want, no, I need to let go of him if I’ll ever be happy. But I didn’t. I used to be able to tell him everything, but that was back when he was mine. And now that he’s not, now that he doesn’t accept me or want me, I couldn’t tell him the truth. There’s no point in rubbing in my rejection further.

            So I gave him most of the reasons I told everyone else. Lucy needs the space. I want a change of scenery, to make more friends. I didn’t bother trying to pull the “my sister and dad miss me,” though. I’m sure that wouldn’t fool him. 

            He opened his mouth to say something else, but Hayden and Hannah came back and he let it drop, so I guess it wasn’t that important. We finished up, and then Hannah revealed the big surprise of the night: tickets to see Fiddler on the Roof. 

            That part of the evening was wonderful. Little need to talk to people, darkness, just getting away in the story and music. Despite the brief discomfort, it was a really nice farewell party. It touched me that not only did Hannah plan it, but she did it to what she knew I would like, rather than what she thinks I should like. It’s so wonderful to have a friend who just loves you for what you are and doesn’t make you into someone you don’t want to be.

            I’m going to miss parts of this place, and Hannah is definitely one of them. But I also really can’t wait until all of this awkwardness is past me, which will be soon. I’m driving up tomorrow, and so I won’t have time for an update on Wednesday, but I’ll be back next Monday to let you know how the new city is treating me.

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Skyping Lucy

            Last night Hannah and I got the opportunity to Skype with Lucy, which was wonderful. It was really the first time I talked to her since the accident, and part of me wishes that I could stay here, with my roommates, and be friends and have it be like before. But things won’t be like they were before, and I have to accept that.

            But Lucy’s doing well. While we were talking, she needed time to gather her thoughts, spoke slowly, and forgot some words, but that’s normal right now. The state she’s in is still considered favorable after a traumatic brain injury. Her therapy has gone smoothly these last few days, and they have a move-out date for her, February 6. She’ll come back home, and they already have some candidates for her live-in nurse. She’s narrowed down the applicants and she and her parents are going to interview them later in the week. And, of course, Lucy, like everyone else, wanted to make sure I wasn’t moving out for her. And once again, I had to give my reasons. Well, most of my reasons.

            Toward the end of our conversation, Ben appeared by Lucy’s side. He’d been popping in to visit Lucy and heard us on Skype. He talked to me a bit about the new music he’s discovered since helping Lucy find motivation to keep going, asking who I’d heard of and if I had any recommendations. Through some turns in conversation, he started talking about a new start-up he, Harvey, and Fred are working on. Ben, half-joking, half-serious, told us not to talk to the internet about their idea so no one steals it, so I guess I can’t tell you guys anything about it. But it is an incredible idea that I think will be just as, if not more, successful than their last business. Even Lucy piped up during that conversation, saying that Fred has been spending a lot of time working on the plans, hoping to get it up and running as soon as possible. I mean, I guess he has needed to do something while he’s so far away from Lucy, and a way to make money again, if he has the faintest inclination of supporting her eventually. With the accident, she may never finish her PhD, at least not for many more years. We still have yet to see what kind of work she’d be able to do, and if she’d want to do it still.

            It really is wonderful for Lucy to have someone through all of this, and someone who will adore and respect her. I remember, when Mom’s hair started falling out, how my dad left her behind for all of his parties and social events, bringing the young, healthy Eliza in her place. But Fred won’t do that to Lucy, no matter what happens. 

            Maybe I tell myself this because I’m selfish. I have to believe that the pain I’m going through is for a reason, and will do good for someone.

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More on Moving

            So people have had some varied reactions to my decision to move up with Eliza and my dad. Hannah is a bit disappointed, but she agrees that it’ll be best for Lucy. Marie, strangely, couldn’t be more thrilled. She keeps on saying how wonderful it’ll be for me to spend time with Eliza and go to a new city. It’s not only strange because she’s actually talking about what’s good for me, but also that she hasn’t made this about her. After my nephew was born, I went on a long weekend with Ruth to a spa and she just about lost it since I wouldn’t be able to babysit for her while she got her hair cut. And considering I’m leaving just around the time the new baby should be born, I thought she would make this more about her. That I wasn’t going to be there to take care of her and watch Little Charlie and the new baby and cook food and do everything for her. This is a time when anyone would need additional help, so the fact that Marie is taking it so calmly doesn’t make sense to me at all.

            And on the reverse, when I first told Ruth about my plans to leave, she just about chained me to her coffee table to keep me here. She said that after all those months she was away, she had hoped for things to go back to normal, but now I was leaving her and we’d be separated again. I started off with the excuse about Lucy, but she said they could figure out a different arrangement that wouldn’t make me leave town. 

I also told her I wanted this for myself, to get out of a rut and meet new people. At that, Ruth offered up her matchmaking services that I’ve been denying for years now. She also noted all of the society I’d turned my back on after I had my coming out to please my dad. Ruth said that “society” would welcome back someone from such a prominent family as my own. I could find my place there. “Just as you were supposed to, before everything else happened” as Ruth said.

            I hate bringing up Fred around Ruth. No matter what I say, she always thinks he’s Don Juan, coming back to mock me for falling for his cruel and selfish seductions. So yes, I could have told her that part of my motivation, but I also know that she would have taken too much joy in it all. Then she’d be pushing me out the door, with a list of eligible bachelors in that area.

            In the end, I didn’t tell her about Fred’s place in all of this. But after several conversations, and my refusal to change my mind, Ruth has changed her plans. She has a sister in the same area of town where Eliza and my dad are living, and so she’s coming with me. Just for two or three months, or so she says. She probably won’t leave me until I’m with one of the rich men she approves of, now that I’ve admitted to her I’m open to dating again. Since her own daughter is married and my mom’s gone, she feels responsible for me in that way. 

Hopefully I can find my own way in this city, separate from what Ruth and my dad want from me, even if they’re there. I really don’t want this to turn against me, but it feels like the only place I have to go right now.

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Falling back and moving forward

            On Monday I got back from a work meeting that lasted way too long and found that Fred had come over to hang out with Hannah and Hayden. I didn’t expect it at all, so seeing him there again, in our living room, was the worst surprise I could have gotten right now. He must not understand what I’m going through at the moment, and that his presence doesn’t make any of that easier.

            We exchanged brief pleasantries, I heated up a frozen dinner, and then I retreated back into my room, where I remained for the rest of the night, trying to make myself stop feeling.

            I’m sure I haven’t fooled any of you as to the status of my feelings toward Fred, despite all of my claims that I’ve changed. That’s the hard part about my situation right now. I’ve loved him for nine years, those feelings won’t just be smothered away in an instant. It’s better when I’m away from him, when my mind can be on other things. It’s also why I want to meet new people, so that I don’t have to see him so often, so that maybe I’ll fall in love with someone else, that those feelings will transfer to someone who could love me back. Every time he comes back into my life in some way, I feel as if I’ve gone back ten steps.

            Things won’t be any better when Lucy comes home. If she’s here, then Fred will be here all the time. Even if she’s at her parents, I’ll have to visit her, and there will be a chance that I’ll run into him. Even if I do join a cooking class or find a group of musicians to play with, Fred is still going to be in my life in some way. If he isn’t going to leave my life, then I have to leave the one that I have. 

            I talked to Eliza. They have room for me, and I could still do my work up north. I’d be away from him, no reason to worry about running into him or hearing his name be brought up constantly in conversation. I’d get to re-discover the city and come to terms with what I’ve been hurting over for years now. Maybe I’ll find my place there. Maybe not. Either way, it’s somewhere to start.

            I’ve squared things away with Hannah and her parents. I’m claiming that my sister and father have missed me (haha) and if I moved out, there would be enough room for Lucy to have a nurse, and she would be in her best position to heal. They of course told me I didn’t need to do this, and Lucy would really want to see me, and they didn’t want me to be pushed out of my own apartment. But I told them this move will be as beneficial for me as it is for Lucy. I don’t know if they bought it, but they should, because it’s the truth.

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