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I wish I could say that I’m completely over Fred. That watching him go off with Hannah and Lucy doesn’t make me want to throw up, or seeing him doesn’t fill with excitement and dread, and that whenever he even glances at me my heart doesn’t speed for just a moment before I remember what he thinks of me. I wish I had gotten over what we had like he did. But I didn’t.

            I always have this ache in me about it, but the pain of it ranges from barely noticeable to how am I still alive? Since Fred had been gone the past week to his brother’s for Thanksgiving, it’s been duller than it has been since he came to town. Then on Monday, I was finishing up getting dinner ready for Marie when Charlie was able to come back home from work early. He talked about how he saw Fred with his sisters heading off to the movies.

            Which increased the ache, but then Charlie started talking about how he thought Fred and Lucy would make a good couple, what with both of their brains and good looks, and how Fred seemed to admire Lucy’s assertive attitude. The ache grew from there. Marie loudly protested, saying that Fred and Hannah were the better couple, since Fred was a serious businessman, he needed someone who would be more carefree than Lucy to balance him out. Besides, she said, if Hannah doesn’t end up with Fred, she’d probably be with that violin boy, or someone else in the theater, who more than likely wouldn’t make money and she couldn’t bear to be associated with someone like that.

            Then the climax of the pain came when they had a debate about who they thought he liked more. Charlie said Fred spent more time with Lucy, sat next to her more, talked with her more. Marie said that’s only because Lucy hogged him, but Fred would seek Hannah out and try to speak to her. They replayed things I’d seen for weeks now, and all in rapid succession so I could clearly see in my head that not only did he have no feelings for me anymore, but his attention was toward two other women. 

            They asked me what I thought, but I just shook my head and said that I didn’t know who he liked best. Charlie finished the debate by saying he hoped that Fred would just make up his mind soon, whomever he liked best, rather than string them along. 

            Though this is mean to my roommates, who like Fred so much and want to date him so badly, I just hope Fred leaves soon. That he goes somewhere else and finds another woman and falls in love with her where I can’t see, so it won’t hurt me as much. It’s selfish of me, but I can’t help but wish for it.