First Week of Fred (2/2)

I had a few days to recover from that last encounter with Fred. Hannah’s show started on Friday, so I thought maybe things might be more relaxed with our weekend schedules, considering she performs until 10 at night. But Hannah’s show had an after-party, which Lucy and I went to, along with Fred.

            Hannah and Lucy’s parents joined us for the performance, but left shortly after congratulating their daughter, leaving me with my ex and the two women pursuing him. I wanted to get out of it and go along with the parents, but the after-party had alcohol, and they’ve become dependent on my role as designated driver, and begged me not to go. Fred sort of sulked in the background as my roommates tugged on my arms and said that they just couldn’t do it without me, that the party wouldn’t be the same if I weren’t there. I felt like I had to stay, after being their go-to designated driver.

            While Hannah and Lucy took turns flirting with Fred, dancing with him, taking shots, and enjoying themselves, I stayed huddled in the corner next to a rack of costumes, watching them. Lucy with a hand to his chest. Hannah brushing confetti out of his hair. His laughter at their jokes. I just watched the clock, wishing it would go backward instead of forward, but if it wouldn’t do that, if I couldn’t become twenty-two again, then would it just speed up?

            Yes, I was driven to the point where I was pleading for an inanimate object to do the impossible.

            After a few hours and with three totally drunk people in my car, I began the drive back to our sleepy town. I tried my best to ignore them even as they bust out in an off-key rendition of “Don’t Stop Believing.” Then Hannah brought up a woman at the party who had been flirting with Fred, and she asked what he thought of her. He said he couldn’t remember her. Then Lucy spoke up and asked what would make a girl memorable to him.

            “Don’t know,” Fred said, all slurred. “I’m not hard to win over, really, long as she has a pretty smile. But the one thing I can’t stand is a woman who changes her mind. She should know what she wants, and go after it. You know? I don’t want somebody who will listen to anybody and change her mind.”

            I don’t know if he was directing that comment at me, I don’t know if he remembered I was still there since I practically disappeared at the party and he was drunk. But he said it because of me. And it punched me in the gut, then twisted my insides. It hurt worse than any amount of dancing with Hannah and Lucy possibly could. Because that’s the thing. I haven’t changed my mind. Not ever. I’ve always loved Fred. Sure, I broke off our wedding, but that was because I loved him. And it kills me that he still can’t see I did it for him. He doesn’t have to forgive me, or even like me. But I hate that he can’t see me, and instead sees a weak-willed silly girl, who only does what others tell her to do. Yes, I listened to Ruth. And yes, I did follow my father into his business, giving up my dream job. But I made those decisions for myself. To save Fred. To save my family. 

            But he just can’t see that. He only sees what he hates.