I gave up, but I have my reasons

            Hannah’s been mentioning trying to set me up with an old friend of hers, but I had to decline. The truth is, although I’ll go on dates when on the rare occasion I’m asked, I gave up a few years ago on trying to fall in love again. I know I won’t ever get married. It’s simply impossible for me.

            And I know what you might be thinking, because Ruth has told me something similar before. “You’re so pretty and smart and kind, any man would love to be with you! Don’t give up yet!”

            But see, this is what it comes down to: I’ve had the real thing before, and I don’t think I can duplicate it. To give anything less would be cheating my partner.

            I didn’t do much dating my three years in law school. I was still shattered from losing Fred and my mom’s death came down on me all over again, and the depression that hit me during that period of my life didn’t exactly make me the most attractive person. But then I moved back home and started working for my dad. Charlie (yes, my brother-in-law, but this was before all of that, though, obviously) was finishing his residency as a med student and lived nearby me. He’s two years older, so during high school he didn’t look at me much. But something happened, and he asked me out, and I started to date him.

            Charlie is a great guy. He’s smart and unbelievably patient. He listened to me and would go to see a chick flick with me and brought me flowers. I do love Charlie, but not like I should love a boyfriend.

            Still, I was lonely. I hadn’t gotten over Fred, and for some reason I thought that by being with Charlie I might force myself to get over him by being with someone else. And I thought, if I didn’t learn to love Charlie, who would I ever love? Back then, the thought of being alone for the rest of my life scared me.

            After dating four months, Charlie told me he loved me. That’s what kicked me in the gut, because I knew I didn’t love Charlie like he loved me. Despite everything, I loved Fred more, even after three years apart. It wasn’t fair to Charlie, to be the runner up in my affections. And what would I do if somehow Fred and I reconnected? (this is when I let myself dream about that sort of a thing)

            I broke up with Charlie. A few months later, Marie quit her job and moved back home while she looked for a new one, but she found Charlie instead. She went after him, they dated, got engaged, and married and well, here we are. It’s strange having a brother-in-law who is also my ex-boyfriend, but it’s never been even a fraction of the discomfort of having Fred in town.

            Anyway, after Charlie, I sort of gave up on dating. Because I can’t imagine loving anyone more than I loved Fred eight years ago. To be in a relationship where I couldn’t love my partner to my full capacity would end in unhappiness, for both of us. And it wouldn’t be fair for either of us to be in a relationship like that. I couldn’t do that to anyone so I could feel a little less lonely.

            So yes, perhaps I could dupe someone into being with me, loving me even. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to allow that to happen.