Date

Last Tuesday night Will pulled me aside after dinner and asked if we could go out sometime, just the two of us. I was a little dorky and asked if he meant a date, but he smiled and said yes, just like a date. I agreed, and we arranged to go out on Saturday. 

            In the days leading up to the date, I was so nervous. I was still trying to sort out what I thought of Will. He is incredibly charming, and at times, I’d find myself getting caught up in that with everyone else, but then reel myself back in. Usually I’m wary of charm, because often, it isn’t genuine, and I’ve always liked just simple, genuine people more than the charming kind. To find someone with genuine charm is rare, and I couldn’t decide if Will was one.

            Anyway, Ruth was thrilled that I was going on a date with Will. She even started talking to me about what I can do to make sure Will knows that I liked him, but I told her to calm down because I didn’t know what to think yet. Despite this, part of me thinks she was re-adjusting the wedding she’d always had in mind for me with Will as the groom, since one day she noted a nearby hotel that had lovely accommodations for a reception.

            Anyway, onto the juicy stuff. It was a good date. We went to dinner. It wasn’t like the usual places my dad took us to, stuffy and classy, but it was still high-end, just in the more chic and modern kind of way. We had some interesting and fun conversation. I tried to find out more about him, since I feel like there’s so much about his past that I don’t know. But whenever I tried to ask him about what he did before I knew him, all he would say is that he had an “idiotic phase” that taught him about what to really value: family. A nice sentiment, and I suppose if there’s anything too personal it wouldn’t be appropriate for a first date. I mean, I’m never going to find another Fred where we can share so much of ourselves so quickly. But I didn’t quite like how secretive it seemed to be.

            After that we went to an art show. It was very modern, in that abstract way. I do enjoy modern art more than the average person, since my mom got her degree in art history. She guided me in my appreciation for contemporary artists. Still, I do still prefer impressionism and other movements more than what’s currently being produced. Although there was so much I could have said about my mom during that art show, I didn’t say one word to Will about her. Again, the first date isn’t usually an appropriate place to share intimate details, but that wasn’t the reason why I found myself guarding my mom from him. It goes beyond dating etiquette and is just the plain simple fact that I don’t feel Will has the privilege to know her.

            The next morning I had brunch with Ruth, who no doubt anticipated finding me glowing with love and gushing about how I’d finally found my soul mate. I told her I had a nice time, but I didn’t expect to be anything other than friends. Ruth doesn’t get shocked very often, but with that one statement managed it, and was rewarded with my godmother’s rare bug-eyed expression. She, of course, wanted to know how in the world I came to that conclusion.

            I tried to explain that it felt like he wasn’t genuine, even though, based on my observations, he seemed his most genuine with me. It felt hard to trust him or want to talk to him about important things. And with someone I’m involved with romantically, I want to be able to talk about important things.

            Ruth found no such ways about him and thought I was seeing things that weren’t there and was making them up because I’m still holding a flame for “that Mexican boy.” Honestly, I can’t deny that although I’m ready to date and fall in love, Fred is still in my heart. I think he always will be. But I can make room for someone else. I’m trying to change and become ready for that. Perhaps it is too soon to expect to be ready, but I just think of that song by A Fine Frenzy,“Near to You.” Essentially, the singer is getting over one guy while falling for another. It’s taking a while, but this other guy is helping her, and she’s asking him to be patient. I don’t feel that way about Will. He’s not helping me move on, and I don’t want him to be the one I move on with. The reasons behind my feelings for Will are separate from how I feel about Fred. I feel like the closer I get to Will, the  more questions I have about who he really is. And ultimately, I don’t trust him, and I can’t have a romantic relationship with someone I don’t trust.

            Ruth, of course, tried to persuade me otherwise. She noted that Will had a large share in his father’s company. If I ended up with him, well then, I wouldn’t need to have that dreary law job at my dad’s company. I could quit and be like my mother: a beautiful wife raising beautiful children in high society.

            While Ruth was clearly trying to tempt me, it didn’t work. I love my mom. There are many ways I want to be like her, many ways I am like her, but many ways I don’t want to be like her. I understand she went through a horrible childhood. She married the first man who offered himself to her to escape that, but she only found herself in a different prison. I remember her taking us to art museums and talking to us excitedly about the pieces. Once a man even mistook her for a college professor, she knew so much. And I wonder if she ever wanted to do something with her degree and passion, and yet didn’t, because she was scared and trapped in this life with my dad. I wish for her generosity and kindness and strength, but I don’t want her insecurities and anxiety. I want to marry for love, not fear. I want to do what I enjoy, not be boxed in.

            I want to be me.