The Hardest Change

             This past month and a half in the city has been great in some ways, and terrible in others, as any of you who have been keeping up with my blog can gather. I feel like I’ve been more assertive, better at communicating, and finding strength I didn’t know I had. But then there’s dealing with people who don’t like the decisions I’ve made. Mainly Dad and Eliza, who have sometimes been outright antagonistic, but even Ruth in her passive-aggressive way hasn’t approved of all of my decisions here. 

            This past week or so, I’ve gotten in deeper with how I can make myself happy. I’m going to be talking to Fred, and even if things don’t pan out there, I feel that I’ll be ready to meet new people and fall in love again once I can get closure. I’m expressing my desires to my friends and family and standing up for myself. But there’s been one place in my life I’m still letting the old fears, the old me, get in the way.

            I hate my job.

            I hate it. I hate working for my father, I hate that I’m making no difference in the world, I hate that I’ve put aside my dreams for this horrible, soul-sucking corporation that makes me miserable.

            You’d think this would be the easiest thing to fix in my life. All I have to do is quit and get a new job, right? The problem is, I specialize in corporate law. If I quit this job and get a new one, I’ll still be around the same types of people doing the same meaningless work, only now I’ll have offended my family while doing so. And that’s why it’s been so hard for me to change this. 

            Sure, I focused my studies on neglected and abused children, and I did a few internships with attorneys for children, but that was five years ago, and I haven’t done anything with it since. Who knows if I’d be able to do what I want? And yes, I have money, so I’d be able to live off of that, but I still don’t like the idea of not having a job, because money will run out eventually, and what if I can’t find anything?

            Those were my fears earlier in the year. But recently, I’ve had the opportunity to see things through brand new eyes. I’ve spent all of my life letting my father, my sisters, Ruth, Hannah, Lucy, almost anyone, control what decisions I make. I’m done with it. And I think that leaving my job is going to be the best way to finally say that I’m in charge of my life.

            I haven’t told anyone yet, since we’re hosting this big charity ball on Saturday and I can’t afford family drama right now, especially since we’re trying to get the Dalrymples to sign with us still and we need the family business façade. But after the ball, I’m telling them and I’m giving my two weeks. 

            I checked around the offices here in the city, and all those dealing with children aren’t currently looking for anyone to join them, but back home there is an office that’s hiring and they set up an interview in about a week and a half. I know that it’s going back to the place I wanted to get away from so I wouldn’t be stuck, but I’ll probably get a new apartment in a new area of town and start fresh that way. If I get the job, that is. And it will be nice to still be around Marie and my two nephews as they get older, and keep in contact with Lucy and Hannah.

            I think that whatever I find, though, will be better for me than what I have going now.