Wednesday, April 9, 2014

It finally happened



I suppose if you’re reading this, you have some interest in what happened after I posted on Monday.

            Well, that afternoon I drove to the airport to pick up Fred and Ben. I had the letter in my coat pocket for a little courage, as I was still nervous but excited about finally being open with Fred.

            When Fred walked out from the baggage claim and toward the curb, I jumped out of the car and waited as he and Ben came toward me, though Iwas only really looking at him. All I wanted to do was run into his arms and come back home, but Ben was there, and I wasn’t ready for anything between Fred and I to make it out to other people before we had a chance to figure it out for ourselves. Though the hopeful way that Fred stared at me, all longing, I felt that we both finally understood each other after weeks and months of confusion.

            Conversation of anything beyond the surface was constrained with Ben in the car, but as soon as I dropped him off at Lucy’s apartment, I knew that it was finally time for Fred and I to talk.

            He was sitting beside me in the passenger’s seat, and it took a few moments for any words to come out of me. I said that I’d found his letter the night before, and wanted to know if he wanted to go somewhere to talk. We agreed to park and go for a walk.

            As we began walking, I took the letter from my pocket and told him that I would be more than willing to give us another chance. With those words spoken, anything restraining us was broken. Fred stopped walking, embraced me, spun me around, and finally, after almost nine years, kissed me. Although I’d kissed a few other men since Fred, I’d never felt anything with them, as if I were in a dream. But with Fred, it felt like I had woken up and I could finally feel again, aware of what life is truly like. 

We talked about everything after that. Our years separated, the past few months, the past few weeks and days. We cleared up confusion and finally understood completely where each had been coming from.

            You already know my side of the story, and I could tell Fred’s side of the story, but I thought it only fair that he get to tell it to you himself. So, here he is, my Fred.

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            Hello everyone. First, I wanted to say thanks for being a support to Annie these past few months, especially when I wasn’t. I have no real justification for it, except that I was an idiot.

            Annie’s told you her side of the story concerning the break-up. For me, I was totally blindsided. I’d gone into that courthouse ready to marry her, and I came out dumped. Not wanted, not loved, by someone who I’d do anything for. I thought she didn’t love me. Or didn’t love me as much as her dad’s money. I went to Iraq extremely bitter, and became driven to prove to Annie I was good enough for her and her family and godmother. When I got home, all I could think of was her and how I wanted to show her she’d made the wrong choice. It drove me to set up my first business and have it be successful. I told myself I was angry at her, and I was. But what I refused to face was that I was angry because I had loved her and still loved her. I dated other women, of course. But none of them stayed around for very long. I’d become passionate about them for a week, think that she was the one to break Annie’s spell, only to find I didn’t really like her. I talked myself in love because I just wanted to love someone else and wasn’t actually falling in love.  

Five years ago, after several of these failed relationships, I considered asking Annie to give us another chance. She would have been just out of law school, but our business was still really new. I thought she’d just laugh and reject me again. Annie’s told me that she would have gotten back together then without a second thought. If I had just stopped being so prideful we’d have ended this pain years ago. Annie’s assured me all that matters is we’re together now.

            My sister, Carrie, as I understand Annie has code-named her, was the first to suggest I live with her. I’d planned on coming anyway, but when I found out the connection between the house and Annie, I felt extra motivation to go. I was convinced it was because I wanted to show Annie what she had missed, but more than that, I just wanted to see her. And seeing her again…I won’t lie, the anger was real and strong. But it the anger was made from the disappointment of how things had ended between us.

            I do genuinely like Lucy and Hannah. And I thought that I was interested in them, Lucy more so than Hannah. But looking back, I see I was trying to cover up my reemerging feelings for Annie by saying they were going to Lucy. But then things began happening, like seeing Annie overloaded with taking care of her nephew and working. I hated seeing her so stressed. And coming to realize how Annie didn’t really date. I had to wonder if it was for me.

            Then the Aspen trip happened. Man, I couldn’t avoid it then. First with the man at the bar—who I’ve learned was actually Will. When she stood to talk to him, it was like losing her all over again, seeing her prepared to flirt with another man. But still, I tried to tell myself it was Lucy I liked and wanted. 

The ski accident really put everything into perspective. I am pig-headed and stubborn and romantic, not too dissimilar from Lucy. I saw myself in her when she went through with that dumb decision because she had made it and wanted to do it, regardless of consequences. And through it all, Annie kept her head level and arranged everything that was needed. I saw her pain and worry, yet she still made sound decisions. And I remembered why I had fallen in love with her in the first place. She sees the bigger picture, she changes her mind as more information comes, and yet this doesn’t make her cold. She’s loving and warm and wonderful. It was there in that hospital, watching her handle calling Lucy’s parents that I finally let myself love her again.

            But I didn’t know what to do. I tried to reach out, yet whenever I did, she seemed to recoil back from me. I knew that she might need time to trust me again, with how horrible I’d been since our lives met again. But in the meantime, I wanted to make sure everything would work out with us. That’s why I went to Harvey and Ben about starting a new business. So that when she was ready, I would have nothing against me like I did last time. Then my plans were tossed over when Annie decided to move back north.

            Still, I wasn’t ready to just give up yet. I made the trip up to the city as soon as I could. I was encouraged by the fact that Lucy had told me Annie thought that I had been in love with her. Perhaps that was part of the reason why she’d left. I came to the city pretty confident, but then in the coffee shop with Will, I couldn’t tell what was going on with him and Annie. For years he was the kind of man I’d expected Annie to get with. A trust fund kid with a lot of arrogance. Still, I went to the ball hoping for something else. But it seemed to me Annie took a long time in getting to me and then we were separated so soon. When I saw her having an intimate moment with Will, I felt like an idiot.

            In hurt pride and more anger, I shut Annie out that week. I told myself she hadn’t truly cared for me. She had been juggling the two of us. It was easier to think this way than admitting she’d just picked another man over me. But when I heard her talk about women loving longer, I realized I’d been wrong about her, yet again. I’d let my bitterness and fear cloud what I knew about her. And that’s when I wrote the letter and snuck it into her bag.

            And now here we are. And I couldn’t be happier about it.

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            And now you know it. The whole story. Or at least, all that we’re willing to tell. There are, after all, some things that have to stay between the two of us.

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