Okay, I'm freaking out

I’ve hardly gotten any work done because Fred’s coming to stay with Adam and Carrie today. And while I know I might not even see him, this is really just a small chance. I don’t exactly live in a huge town. Between what there is to do for fun around here, the fact that my old neighbors are his new neighbors, and the limited options of services for errands, there’s a high probability I’ll run into him at some point. And if that happens, what am I supposed to do? I mean, I broke his heart. I broke my own in the process, but he has every right to be angry with me. I didn’t exactly choose the best time to break it off, and I didn’t talk to him about it beforehand, I just made the decision by myself.

            Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret the decision. I’d make it again, although if I could go back, I would have talked to him about it sooner. But if we had gotten married, he would have been living with me while I was in law school after his deployment, and then he never would have met his two partners who helped him develop his idea. He might not have ever succeeded.

            We’d be together, though. And that’s all that mattered to him. I don’t know if he can see it my way, even now, but in the end, I think it was best for him.

            Still, this doesn’t really help me with the question of what to do when I see him. Run away? Avoid eye contact? Give a nod of recognition and move on? How is one supposed to respond to someone who once loved you and now hates you?

            Maybe I can still move. Hannah and Lucy can have the apartment, I’ll just join Dad and Eliza and the secretary up north and avoid this whole fiasco. Marie doesn’t need me that much. Okay, my nephew might need me, but he has other aunts living next to him, plus his grandparents. 

            But if I’m being honest, I used to imagine meeting him again. By some serendipity we’d cross each other’s path, and he’d no longer be mad at me. He’d understand and want to grab coffee to catch up, and then it would work out like The Notebook. Minus the getting Alzheimer’s part. 

            It was lovely in my imagination, but this is reality. Fred holds grudges. He hates people who can’t stand their ground and cave into pressure, who don’t know their own mind. It’s unlikely he’s forgiven me. 

            For right now, all I can think is that I’ll just need to survive this and keep my head down.