Shopping with the godmother

            Ruth has come back from staying with her daughter, which has been really nice. Since Hannah and Lucy are still in Aspen, the only company I’ve had the past week was Marie, so I’m really happy to have my godmother back. 

            I told her all about my new goals for the year, and she was very happy for me. Though she started saying some rude things about Fred, that he’d wasted enough of my youth and other things like that, but I stopped her there. I told her that I’d chosen to remain in love with him all those years, and none of that was his fault. We fell in love and he had every intention of making our relationship into a marriage, and so his love was never something he intended to hurt me with. I let myself become how I am now, but I’ve changed these past few weeks. And I’m ready to move past him.

            Other than that, we haven’t had a tense word between us. We went shopping together this past weekend, which might sound like a big deal, but it actually is. Other than some work suits and the bridesmaid dress for Marie’s wedding, I haven’t really bought any new clothes since college. The year after my mom’s death I didn’t care at all about my appearance because there didn’t seem a point to buy new clothes. And then after things with Fred and I ended, I never bothered to look pretty. I think that subconsciously, I was trying to keep people away from me. I didn’t want to get hurt again. I didn’t want to fall in love with anyone else. And for the past few years, I just haven’t felt like my life was meant to have any beauty in it. Also, I was disgusted by how often Eliza and my father would spend so much money on their clothes, wear it once, and then never wear it again. Their obsession with their looks was always over-the-top and ridiculous.  

            So yes, sometimes shopping and fashion still feel shallow to me. But at the same time, I think it’s been good. I started this transformation by opening my closet and putting anything that didn’t make me feel great in a donation box. When I was done, I had a pair of jeans, four blouses, three skirts, and one work suit. I know, it’s pathetic that almost everything I’ve been wearing for years I haven’t even really liked. 

            It took quite a bit of money to build up my wardrobe again, but I think the investment will be worth it. I don’t really care for trends—things like maxi skirts that will be out of fashion in a year—but found a lot of classic pieces that will be in fashion over the next decade. This way I avoid the trap of becoming like some of my family, but still like how I’m dressed.  

I’m just hoping that this updated wardrobe will help me express my new self better. That I’m not a tired old maid any more, but a…well, I’m not quite sure of what I’ll become. But I’m looking forward to meeting her.