Lost

            I have new clothes and motivation, but I still feel a little stuck. With both Hannah and Lucy gone, I’d go to work and then don’t do much. I love Ruth and I’m glad she’s back, but she’s not exactly my age. And Marie’s been weird. Whenever I’ve come over she said to go away because she’s nesting and I’ll get in the way of what she’s doing. Only, from what I’ve seen into their apartment, it’s not exactly clean, or even that currently-messy-but-in-the-process-of-cleaning. 

            And I’m not okay with staying in by myself anymore, at least not as much as I used to. I like company, I’ve loved having Hannah and Lucy as roommates, and I want to continue to have a social life. Of course, when Lucy recovers enough to move back in, she and Fred will be…yeah. I’m over it, I’m moving on, but that will still be awkward for me. So I want to make new friends. Get out there and such.

            So far, though, I don’t have a whole lot to report. I’ve tried thinking of ways to meet new people, but nothing seems to really work. I’m clearly out of the club scene. There’s no one at work I would be interested in befriending. Finding friends through mutual friends would be hard because that means being around the same people again. On Friday, I did go to a local music store that has bands and artists come play their music, but that didn’t work out. People came in groups, and I felt too intimidated to approach anyone when they were already so cozy with their own friends. It was a lot like high school again, only this time I could leave early.

            You know, starting this out, I felt so resolved. I got rid of the clothes I didn’t like and bought ones that I did, and I’ve come to terms that Lucy and Fred will be together. I thought my life would somehow manage to work itself out just with my changed thoughts, but it’s been harder this week. The initial rush of my “new year, new me” has gone away.

            It would be so, so easy to slip again. Go back to my chick flicks every Saturday night, limiting myself to the rare first date, and never truly letting myself live.

            I’ve been really struggling with that, having no idea where to turn to get myself out of this. Saturday night I thought, maybe, I had to do something more. I have this box of stuff from when I was with Fred. Pictures, a stuffed dolphin, random notes he left me, one of his old shirts, CDs, movie ticket stubs. I gathered it up and I walked down to the dumpster, ready to throw it away. But as I stood there, I couldn’t do it. Because with Fred, I was happy. Even though there has been so much hurt following it up, that dolphin and the notes and music and ticket stubs made me happy. And the problem wasn’t in that box. It was in me. I made the physical changes I needed to make, and now I had to confront the harder part. The mental and emotional one. And to do that, I can’t just throw things away. I need to gain things to fill up the holes.

            I’m just lost as to how to do that.