Falling back and moving forward

            On Monday I got back from a work meeting that lasted way too long and found that Fred had come over to hang out with Hannah and Hayden. I didn’t expect it at all, so seeing him there again, in our living room, was the worst surprise I could have gotten right now. He must not understand what I’m going through at the moment, and that his presence doesn’t make any of that easier.

            We exchanged brief pleasantries, I heated up a frozen dinner, and then I retreated back into my room, where I remained for the rest of the night, trying to make myself stop feeling.

            I’m sure I haven’t fooled any of you as to the status of my feelings toward Fred, despite all of my claims that I’ve changed. That’s the hard part about my situation right now. I’ve loved him for nine years, those feelings won’t just be smothered away in an instant. It’s better when I’m away from him, when my mind can be on other things. It’s also why I want to meet new people, so that I don’t have to see him so often, so that maybe I’ll fall in love with someone else, that those feelings will transfer to someone who could love me back. Every time he comes back into my life in some way, I feel as if I’ve gone back ten steps.

            Things won’t be any better when Lucy comes home. If she’s here, then Fred will be here all the time. Even if she’s at her parents, I’ll have to visit her, and there will be a chance that I’ll run into him. Even if I do join a cooking class or find a group of musicians to play with, Fred is still going to be in my life in some way. If he isn’t going to leave my life, then I have to leave the one that I have. 

            I talked to Eliza. They have room for me, and I could still do my work up north. I’d be away from him, no reason to worry about running into him or hearing his name be brought up constantly in conversation. I’d get to re-discover the city and come to terms with what I’ve been hurting over for years now. Maybe I’ll find my place there. Maybe not. Either way, it’s somewhere to start.

            I’ve squared things away with Hannah and her parents. I’m claiming that my sister and father have missed me (haha) and if I moved out, there would be enough room for Lucy to have a nurse, and she would be in her best position to heal. They of course told me I didn’t need to do this, and Lucy would really want to see me, and they didn’t want me to be pushed out of my own apartment. But I told them this move will be as beneficial for me as it is for Lucy. I don’t know if they bought it, but they should, because it’s the truth.