Making Changes

            First, for those who don’t keep up with me on tumblr, I wanted to let you all know that Lucy is out of her coma and doing well. She’s past the worst and should make a nearly full recovery. It’ll take time, and she’s not going back to school in the foreseeable future, but she’ll live. Right now she’s very disoriented and confused, which Charlie has been telling me is still in the early parts of recovering from a brain injury. I haven’t seen her yet, since she’s still in Colorado until they think she’s more stable to move. 

As for me, well, the past two weeks have been a good opportunity to take some time for me. For a day or so, I did mope a little bit. But I never blamed Lucy for winning over Fred, or Fred for falling for Lucy. Despite the torture of it, in a way, I’m glad I saw it happen. I don’t question Fred’s feelings for her, and wonder. He loves her and has moved on. I’ve been coming to terms with it, though I’m still not really ready to have him around. He did stop by after Christmas, when Lucy was still in her coma, volunteering to watch Little Charlie while I had to work, but I kept it as brief as I could. A quick hello and good-bye in the morning and evening. I think he just wanted a distraction from worrying about Lucy, as he doesn’t have a lot to do since selling his business. Marie and Charlie came back about a week ago, after Lucy woke up from her coma. This took away the distraction Fred had for two days, but then again, his need for distraction was probably reduced as well. I haven’t seen him since that Friday after Christmas. Apparently he’d left to go spend New Year’s with his brother, and I don’t think he’s come back.

When Marie got back, she told me that Ben had been listening to the music I’d recommended to him and he’d asked for my number to talk to me about it. I’d been getting some texts from him, although I haven’t really had substantial communication with him. I’m not really disappointed, I wasn’t really interested in Ben, but like the stranger at the bar, his attentions weren’t unwelcome. It was nice, again, to have the potential of…something.

With all of this, I realized I was done with living like I have. Small and shrunken and closed off. I’m done with it. I look back on the post I made a few weeks back about doubting I’d find love again, and I’m ashamed of it now. Ever since I was young I wanted to fall in love and get married. Of course I’m not going to marry the first man who pays me any attention, but why can’t I try for love? If Fred can move on, why can’t I?

That’s what I want to do in 2014. Move on and be happy. It’s been so long since I’ve really been happy, so this year, I’m going for it.