Skyping Lucy

            Last night Hannah and I got the opportunity to Skype with Lucy, which was wonderful. It was really the first time I talked to her since the accident, and part of me wishes that I could stay here, with my roommates, and be friends and have it be like before. But things won’t be like they were before, and I have to accept that.

            But Lucy’s doing well. While we were talking, she needed time to gather her thoughts, spoke slowly, and forgot some words, but that’s normal right now. The state she’s in is still considered favorable after a traumatic brain injury. Her therapy has gone smoothly these last few days, and they have a move-out date for her, February 6. She’ll come back home, and they already have some candidates for her live-in nurse. She’s narrowed down the applicants and she and her parents are going to interview them later in the week. And, of course, Lucy, like everyone else, wanted to make sure I wasn’t moving out for her. And once again, I had to give my reasons. Well, most of my reasons.

            Toward the end of our conversation, Ben appeared by Lucy’s side. He’d been popping in to visit Lucy and heard us on Skype. He talked to me a bit about the new music he’s discovered since helping Lucy find motivation to keep going, asking who I’d heard of and if I had any recommendations. Through some turns in conversation, he started talking about a new start-up he, Harvey, and Fred are working on. Ben, half-joking, half-serious, told us not to talk to the internet about their idea so no one steals it, so I guess I can’t tell you guys anything about it. But it is an incredible idea that I think will be just as, if not more, successful than their last business. Even Lucy piped up during that conversation, saying that Fred has been spending a lot of time working on the plans, hoping to get it up and running as soon as possible. I mean, I guess he has needed to do something while he’s so far away from Lucy, and a way to make money again, if he has the faintest inclination of supporting her eventually. With the accident, she may never finish her PhD, at least not for many more years. We still have yet to see what kind of work she’d be able to do, and if she’d want to do it still.

            It really is wonderful for Lucy to have someone through all of this, and someone who will adore and respect her. I remember, when Mom’s hair started falling out, how my dad left her behind for all of his parties and social events, bringing the young, healthy Eliza in her place. But Fred won’t do that to Lucy, no matter what happens. 

            Maybe I tell myself this because I’m selfish. I have to believe that the pain I’m going through is for a reason, and will do good for someone.

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More on Moving

            So people have had some varied reactions to my decision to move up with Eliza and my dad. Hannah is a bit disappointed, but she agrees that it’ll be best for Lucy. Marie, strangely, couldn’t be more thrilled. She keeps on saying how wonderful it’ll be for me to spend time with Eliza and go to a new city. It’s not only strange because she’s actually talking about what’s good for me, but also that she hasn’t made this about her. After my nephew was born, I went on a long weekend with Ruth to a spa and she just about lost it since I wouldn’t be able to babysit for her while she got her hair cut. And considering I’m leaving just around the time the new baby should be born, I thought she would make this more about her. That I wasn’t going to be there to take care of her and watch Little Charlie and the new baby and cook food and do everything for her. This is a time when anyone would need additional help, so the fact that Marie is taking it so calmly doesn’t make sense to me at all.

            And on the reverse, when I first told Ruth about my plans to leave, she just about chained me to her coffee table to keep me here. She said that after all those months she was away, she had hoped for things to go back to normal, but now I was leaving her and we’d be separated again. I started off with the excuse about Lucy, but she said they could figure out a different arrangement that wouldn’t make me leave town. 

I also told her I wanted this for myself, to get out of a rut and meet new people. At that, Ruth offered up her matchmaking services that I’ve been denying for years now. She also noted all of the society I’d turned my back on after I had my coming out to please my dad. Ruth said that “society” would welcome back someone from such a prominent family as my own. I could find my place there. “Just as you were supposed to, before everything else happened” as Ruth said.

            I hate bringing up Fred around Ruth. No matter what I say, she always thinks he’s Don Juan, coming back to mock me for falling for his cruel and selfish seductions. So yes, I could have told her that part of my motivation, but I also know that she would have taken too much joy in it all. Then she’d be pushing me out the door, with a list of eligible bachelors in that area.

            In the end, I didn’t tell her about Fred’s place in all of this. But after several conversations, and my refusal to change my mind, Ruth has changed her plans. She has a sister in the same area of town where Eliza and my dad are living, and so she’s coming with me. Just for two or three months, or so she says. She probably won’t leave me until I’m with one of the rich men she approves of, now that I’ve admitted to her I’m open to dating again. Since her own daughter is married and my mom’s gone, she feels responsible for me in that way. 

Hopefully I can find my own way in this city, separate from what Ruth and my dad want from me, even if they’re there. I really don’t want this to turn against me, but it feels like the only place I have to go right now.

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Falling back and moving forward

            On Monday I got back from a work meeting that lasted way too long and found that Fred had come over to hang out with Hannah and Hayden. I didn’t expect it at all, so seeing him there again, in our living room, was the worst surprise I could have gotten right now. He must not understand what I’m going through at the moment, and that his presence doesn’t make any of that easier.

            We exchanged brief pleasantries, I heated up a frozen dinner, and then I retreated back into my room, where I remained for the rest of the night, trying to make myself stop feeling.

            I’m sure I haven’t fooled any of you as to the status of my feelings toward Fred, despite all of my claims that I’ve changed. That’s the hard part about my situation right now. I’ve loved him for nine years, those feelings won’t just be smothered away in an instant. It’s better when I’m away from him, when my mind can be on other things. It’s also why I want to meet new people, so that I don’t have to see him so often, so that maybe I’ll fall in love with someone else, that those feelings will transfer to someone who could love me back. Every time he comes back into my life in some way, I feel as if I’ve gone back ten steps.

            Things won’t be any better when Lucy comes home. If she’s here, then Fred will be here all the time. Even if she’s at her parents, I’ll have to visit her, and there will be a chance that I’ll run into him. Even if I do join a cooking class or find a group of musicians to play with, Fred is still going to be in my life in some way. If he isn’t going to leave my life, then I have to leave the one that I have. 

            I talked to Eliza. They have room for me, and I could still do my work up north. I’d be away from him, no reason to worry about running into him or hearing his name be brought up constantly in conversation. I’d get to re-discover the city and come to terms with what I’ve been hurting over for years now. Maybe I’ll find my place there. Maybe not. Either way, it’s somewhere to start.

            I’ve squared things away with Hannah and her parents. I’m claiming that my sister and father have missed me (haha) and if I moved out, there would be enough room for Lucy to have a nurse, and she would be in her best position to heal. They of course told me I didn’t need to do this, and Lucy would really want to see me, and they didn’t want me to be pushed out of my own apartment. But I told them this move will be as beneficial for me as it is for Lucy. I don’t know if they bought it, but they should, because it’s the truth.

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Hannah's Back!

            Hannah flew back last week, and it’s been wonderful to have someone else in the apartment. It has been too quiet here, all alone after all that time with two roommates. Plus, it makes ordering everything I want for take-out easier, since there’s someone to share it with. And I’m not the only one who missed Hannah. Hayden, her now official-boyfriend, has been over so often he should be sharing the rent. It’s adorable.

            So, since Hannah’s back, you can gather that Lucy is doing really well for the situation she’s in. The doctors all note how wonderfully she’s been moving along in her recovery. She’s out of the ICU and has been moved to the neurosurgical ward to focus on regaining her mobility and speech. Hannah told me she was getting discouraged and staying stuck in the hospital wasn’t helping, but Ben’s taken it upon himself to find her music to encourage her to keep going, and it’s helped her stay motivated, even. 

            Lucy’s expected to be able to come back home in the beginning of February. They’re looking into finding a nurse to live with her and a local rehabilitation program for her to attend. But the hospital isn’t suiting her very well, and so living in a rehabilitation center probably wouldn’t be so great for her, either. She feels very restricted where she is, unable to go anywhere and being on a strict diet. Hannah and I have been talking with her parents about whether we should put Lucy at our apartment or their house. We worry that having her live with her parents might be just barely better than a center, because she’ll see it as a loss of her independence and falling into a child-like state. But our apartment isn’t incredibly big, and having a nurse live with us might make the place too cramped.             

            We still have some time to figure this out. We all want what’s best for Lucy and to help her get as healthy as possible again, but also for her to have as positive an experience with it as she can.

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Facebook Friends

Is it just me, or does technology make things so much more complicated with relationships? Like, there are certain things you’re not sure is okay with the relationship you have with someone, and there’s so much more access to you with people you’d prefer to keep at a distance. Sometimes I wish all we had were letters again, and rules about who could and couldn’t write to each other. Though I suppose that’s too restricting.

            Anyway, this is coming up because on Monday night I went through my daily scroll through Facebook, and saw that Fred sent me a friend request. I had to get up and make some coffee and do some dishes before responding. The whole time I just had to wonder what he meant by it. He practically ignores me the past three months, only acknowledging me when he has to, and now, when he’s in love with Lucy, has decided to friend me. I’d thought I knew him well, but something must have changed with him, because I didn’t know why he did this. 

            I was also stressing out because I didn’t know if I even wanted to accept his request. Yes, I’ve accepted how things have worked out, I’m ready to start seriously dating again, but that doesn’t mean I want his face popping up in my feed even more. Not when I’m still fighting to make the changes I need so I don’t fall back into who I was. 

            But my niceness won out in the end. I friended him, but then I also blocked him so I won’t see his posts. At least the people over at Facebook realized that their social network can cause extreme discomfort and gave us tools to get around it.

            Before I blocked him, I did see something in his feed. It was a picture with him, Harvey, and Ben up in Aspen. I didn’t know before, but apparently he’s been up there for a few days now, visiting Lucy and probably declaring his undying love for her and his commitment to stay by her side until she’s well again. It’s really great that Fred fell in love with Lucy, actually. Because he’s a very loyal person and she needs support right now, with all of the recovery and therapy she’s going through. He won’t leave her because of this. And I’m sure she’ll want to get better so she can be with him.

            With these sort of things in perspective, I’ve been thinking a bit more about why he might have decided to friend me. And I think it’s because of his love for Lucy and misunderstanding me. After all, I broke things off with him, and other than that one slip-up when I was playing the piano, haven’t given any indication that I had feelings for him still. He thinks I’m not affected by him anymore, and with a relationship with Lucy just around the corner, he wants to be on good terms with everyone important in her life, including me. That’s why he did it. I’m fairly sure that’s why. It’s really the only good reason I could come up with.

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